i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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