Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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