I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Randomize
