I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She bit a glass in half.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
