So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
