My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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