Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
