she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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