I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
