You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I've blown a few things in my day
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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