The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
