I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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