Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
