It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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