So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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