if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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