I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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