4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
