i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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