I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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