I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
