Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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