My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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