just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am midnight drunk by noon
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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