we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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