Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
