Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
