When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
