so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
