turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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