we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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