Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
