no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
