basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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