Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
