i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
