but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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