Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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