dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
