I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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