The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize