My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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