Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
