I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
