The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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