I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
