I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
