i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
