I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
