Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
